Archive for year 2004

I just want to say, upfront, that this entry is not meant in any way for you to feel sorry for me, or pity me. It is also not meant in away to criticize the members of my church. These are good people who don’t realize what kind of affect their actions have on me. I love my church.

There has been so much I have come to learn over the past 10 months, about me, about my friends, about the people at church, and about the Lord. There have been so many life lessons that I’ve painfully had to learn.

I just want to restate this because I don’t want there to be any sort of misconceptions about me. I love my church, and I know it to be true. There was nothing I desired more growing up, going though highschool & seminary, and coming out of all those EFYs, than to go out and serve a mission for the Lord. I was able and I was worthy. But the Lord indeed has other plans and another mission for me to fulfill.

My excuse from serving was honorable and thus puts me on a different plane than those who opt not to serve and are able, and those not having the sufficient worthiness. The reason is my own.

SECOND CLASS CITIZEN
As much as it pains me to say it… there are many times in while attendance at church, I feel as though I am a second class citizen for either not having a mission call, or not being on a mission.

Don’t get me wrong, there are those handful of wonderful people who don’t treat me as such; who treat me as though I am just as good as those about to leave or serving. And for that, I am eternally grateful. They will probably never know how their simple gestures of kindness have such a warming affect on me.

And of course there are those who I feel like trash, around. I am in no way saying people intentionally set out to make me feel bad, its just that this is how I feel when I’m around them. I don’t resent them for it, because if they knew how I felt, they would act differently.

THE FIRST BOUT
When I wrote the first “Remain With Honor” entry back in June, I was going through a tough time at church. It seemed that the topic of Missions was facing me at every turn. I had to come face-to-face with all that I would never be able to experience. Everyone at church was excited for a particular individual who would soon be leaving. And for the first time EVER, in my very home ward where I grew up, I felt like a nobody, like an outcast, like a disappointment.

I’m sure no one realized what I was going through at the time. I kept my feelings very much secret as I was experiencing them. My family & my friends didn’t even realize. But that’s how I felt. My feelings of inadequacy grew to such a point that I simply did not want to attend church! Being at church started to feel like being stabbed multiple times in the heart. Excruciatingly painful. But I still managed to build up my courage & faith and simply go.

As the excitement for this individual died down after his departure, so did my feelings of inadequacy. Going to church quickly became less painful and more enjoyable, as it had been previously.

EXCITEMENT & PAIN
When it came time for two of my best friends to receive their mission calls, the feelings I felt were entirely different. I felt so happy, excited, and even nervous for them, and I am extremely proud of what they’re doing. But as a majority of myself feels like this, one tiny part of me is tormented with stinging grief. I know that I will never receive one of those letters and all the excitement and emotion revolving it will never be there for me.

But as with everything I’ve been feeling since January, I realize and identify my emotions. I am perfectly aware of what I am feeling and why.

I would rather be included in the excitement of sending these two friends off and experience that small amount of pain, than having them think that I wouldn’t want to be included (because of what happened) and feel a great amount of another type of pain … disloyalty, or distrust.

I am thankful that these friends have included me in their excitement. I am so happy for them, and so incredibly proud of them. I just feel like the closer I am to them before they leave, the more it feels like part of me is going with them, and that feeling gives me an incredible amount of self-worth.

FORWARD WITH FAITH
Through the bitterness, jealousy, hurt, excitement and all… I have learned many many invaluable things. Even though I will undeniably feel this feelings I can not let them interfere with my actions. I can not let them keep me away from things I should be doing.

Now (more than ever) that the topic of Missions is heavily rampant in my ward I know that my feelings of inadequacy will resurface. Just yesterday at church, I felt a bit of it. I attended another ward earlier in the morning for 2 reasons. 1 being, the obvious one. And the other knowing I wouldn’t have to go to my ward and face my most painful emotions that I knew would be waiting for me. But as the morning progressed I knew I had to face my demons head-on. So I decided to go to my ward as well. I can’t tell you how happy I am I did that. The more I go through this kind of thing, the more I learn about myself. The more I learn to not let these feelings govern my actions.

I realize that there are many precious things to learn from this. And I am slowly beginning to realize that there is truly something important intended for me.

Just because I’m not in a suit and tie everyday for 2 years, doesn’t mean that I’m not worth anything; it doesn’t mean I can’t make a difference; it doesn’t mean that the Lord doesn’t have work for me to do. I am in no way inferior (and definitely NOT superior) to any of those serving, or about to serve. I’ve come to understand that this is truly what it means to “Remain With Honor.”